And I totally got it. I wanted to scream right along with her.
A happy day with my beautiful daughter.
I can’t remember what set her off but I’m sure it was because she was tired. Isn’t that the cause of most toddler tantrums? She was standing on her bed, yelling that I was no longer her best friend. That she wanted me to leave. That she didn’t like me anymore.
As she was yelling those words, I imagined they were coming out of my mouth. Only they were being said to her dad.
Just over two months ago I filed for divorce. After many months of arguing, it was time. Time to put myself and my daughter first, time to leave a situation in which I didn’t see a happy ending. Now as we approach our first court date I constantly question whether I’m doing the right thing. Then my decision is reaffirmed and I move on.
I’m going to guess and say people who say divorce is the easy way out probably haven’t gone through it themselves. There is nothing easy about waking up in the middle of night knowing that my daughter won’t be sleeping in the room next to me all the time. There is nothing easy about knowing from this moment on I’ll only get to spend every other holiday with her or that I may miss those important milestones in her life. And when my daughter tells me she misses her dad and all I can say to her is she’ll see him soon, that’s not so easy to me.
See I’m of the belief that the easy way out is to become so numb that you co-exist only for the sake of the children. I’ve known plenty of people who have done this and I can’t judge them. I don’t know the details of their situation, I just know they did what they felt was best considering their circumstances. But that’s not for me.
I want my daughter to grow up in an environment with strong parental figures and she can’t do that with her dad and I together. Separately we can be the parents we need to be. Together, we become a muddled mess. I want her to know what a loving relationship is, not one jaded by things that were done in the past. Things that can’t be undone. She’s a beautiful little girl with a sharp wit, a big heart and more empathy for others than I’ll ever have. And I don’t want that to ever change.
So why am I writing this? Not because I expect sympathy, compassion or any other form of pity. I’m writing this because it’s important to remember that things are not always as they seem. In a world where we constantly compare ourselves to others, we have to remember we’re only seeing the side others allow us to see.
This is a great quote that has been floating around lately that I think we all need to remember. I think back to some of the posts I’ve written and how I only shared parts of the story. The pretty parts of the story. Like the night we had a staycation in the backyard and how it ended with all of us abandoning the tents and retreating inside. If you read that post you’re probably thinking it was because of the mosquitos. Sure they played a part but the bigger issue was an argument between my husband and me. Those are the things that don’t make the story because they aren’t happy, they don’t make you want to buy a grill and if you’re like me, you don’t want people to know about the sad parts.
I’m real, my life is real and that means I have good and bad times. And from now on, I will never compare my insides to someone else’s outsides because only knowing part of the story just isn’t good enough anymore. Thank you Jasmine for giving me the courage to start telling more of my story because, this IS me.
About Sarah
Sarah is a healthcare administrator, mother of one spunky 6-year old daughter and a travel blogger living in Wichita, Kansas. Join her as she tackles life in the midwest one to-do list at a time.
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Aww. Sarah. <3 I truly hate that you and your daughter are having to deal with a divorce. I hope you are able to find happiness once it's done. You both deserve to be happy. Also, I think we need to remember that everyone has their hardships. It's just that some people don't like to share them as much as others. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to finally post about this. I'm here if you need me.
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I truly love and admire your courage. I don’t believe divorce is ever the easy way out. But, I also believe that your decision is the best for you and B. I am glad you are sharing your story… and hope it touches others in your shoes. Much love, Friend!
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I am amazed by your strength and your ability to move forward and make change happen. You are such a wonderful person and an awesome mother! I know that you are going to find this new journey a great one. Sure it’ll be hard but you got this!
Hugs to you! It can’t be easy going through divorce and it takes a strong woman to be able to do what you are doing. Your daughter is lucky to have a mommy who is looking out for her best interest as well as your own. You have to do what you have to do to provide happiness for yourself and your daughter! I am sending lots positive thoughts your way and I am here to support you!
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I truly love you being able to sit down and write what you are going through. I know you are an amazing person and believe that you have to make the best decision for you and your daughter. Those decisions are not always easy so I pray for you to have the strength you need to make it through! You are a very special person!
Wonderful way to step back and take a reaffirming look at all that is taking place in your lives. Divorce is not easy, no matter what the circumstances. Faith be with you.
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Very brave to share what’s going on. It’s hard to open up to everyone. You don’t want people to see the negative in life, but we all have that and it’s reallife.
Good Luck on your new journey!
Such courage. Thanks for sharing.
I’m sorry for what you all are going through during this chapter in your life. It sounds like your daughter has a pretty strong momma though!
I’m trying to stay strong! Luckily I have a great group of friends who are supportive.
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A friend of mine is going through a divorce and she’s struggling with the same things you are – not having her there every night, only getting to see her every other holiday. It’s definitely not easy. hugs
What a brave post. Divorce is not easy. A best friend of mine just went through this, and it is anything but easy. I do not envy you. I hope all can heal and you can be stronger and happier for it. It is so true we never share the whole story. I love that quote. It is so true and one I try to remember frequently when I start to feel like I just don’t compare to others in our lives.
Thank you Amber.
I went through it three years ago and I believe that you didn’t enter into the decision lightly. It’s the worst thing I ever went through, but our children were over 18 so that made it much easier as they were already out of the house and in college.
It took me about 2 years to reach a peaceful place with the whole thing, and I know you’ll get through this and that you’re doing what’s best for your child. Hugs!
Probably the most difficult part of this process is the effect it will have on my daughter. It keeps me up at night and I hope that she will eventually understand.
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I wrote my first blog about being Black, Divorced & Virtuous and it was my story about going through divorce and still being a functioning parent. I understand your voice, and it is important. It’s important that we hear your voice. Divorce is not the end to a relationship – it is the end to a union. The relationship only changes, morphs, into a new relationship – that of divorced parents. We still have children, we still have a shared past, and we still have a future of interactions and shared experience ahead of us. The ultimate goal is finding a way to make that relationship as complete as it can be; which will take a lot of forgiveness – for yourself and of your ex-spouse. Divorce is just a journey through a valley to the next mountain experience. That is what I have learned in my 3 years of separation and 2 years of divorce.
Elizabeth T, Early Riser
Reading others’ stories and knowing that they had some of the same feelings that I’m having have helped me through this. I’ll always have my daughter as a connection to my spouse and I’m hoping that someday we can both move on from this chapter in our lives.
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I really love that quote. I agree, you cannot tell what is going on in someone else’s life but why you see on the outside.
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I love your honesty. Divorce is not an easy thing to go through. A marriage should be two people who make each other happy and are better because of one another. If that is no longer true there should be quite a bit of concern and a resolution should be sought. In some cases it is divorce, and I can feel your pain while reading this… I can tell it is not something you take lightly, or find easy.
Hugs!
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I love your honesty and courage. My parents actually became better parents once they divorced. I hated having to spend alternate holidays with my parents and I hated spending weekend with my dad. I want to either stay home with my mom or just spend time with my friends. It got easier as we got older. My parents are now the best of friends, and they actually danced together at my wedding. That was the best gift I could have asked for. Divorce is hard, it’s hard on everyone involved. Just keep your ground and stick to your gut!
That’s amazing that your parents were able to come around and become friends again, best friends at that. I do honestly think my daughter will be better off for this. Others may not think so but I have to trust my gut and know that she’ll be OK.
What a brave post! And a brave mom. I wish I could have read something like this when my parents were going through a divorce!!
Thank you Emily.
Divorce was one of the HARDEST decisions for me and times of my life. I can quite agree that people that say it’s the easy way out don’t know much lol. I divorced about eight years ago, and I am happily remarried now. I did it for my daughters too. I wanted them to see how a man should treat a woman, not that a woman puts up with mistreatment just because she is married.
Now I am married to an amazing man that is the best father to my girls. Hang in they girl You will get past this, and you and Brecken will be happier for it!
Thank you Ashley. I’m taking it day by day. Every day it gets better.
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Hi Sarah,
It’s not an easy out. It’s really not.
I’ve been there. I’ve been divorced for eight years now. In my case, there was no doubt that divorce was needed. My case is much more different than yours but… hang in there.
You know you’ve made the best choice for your life and your children. Hang in there. Hugs. Hold your head up high
Thanks Jaime. I’m trying to keep my head high.
My parents divorced when I was about B’s age. My mom is a lot like you are – strong, creative, independent, etc. I really think I’m better off for it.
I hope she’s not greatly affected by it and that it shows her that sometimes the right decision is the hard decision.